Hot Water Burn Baby
Father: Well Ryan, tomorrow's a big day. Your mom's coming home from the hospital with your new baby sister.
Ryan : baby sister
Father: That's right, baby sister.
Ryan : baby sister
Father: So, uh, I think now is the time for us to go over some safety rules for when you're around your new baby sister.
Ryan : safety rules
Father: Okay, rule number one: Always wash your hands before touching the baby.
Ryan : wash hands
Father: Do you know why?
Ryan : no
Father: Well, because sometimes you have germs on your hands and germs are bad for the baby cause they can make the baby sick.
Ryan : germs make baby sick
Father: That's right, that's right, Ryan. Germs make baby sick.
Ryan : germs make the baby sick
Father: Okay, rule number two.
Ryan : more rules
Father: Don't feed the baby anything.
Ryan : don't feed the baby.
Father: That's right.
Ryan : why?
Father: Well, because the baby needs to eat special baby food.
Ryan : why?
Father: Oh...well, other food is bad for the baby.
Ryan : other food bad for the baby
Father: That's right, good. Now, rule number three.
Ryan : more rules
Father: Never take hot water near the baby because hot water will burn the baby.
Ryan : water bad for the baby
Father: Well, not all water, just hot water,
Ryan : yes
Father: Cause hot water will burn the baby.
Ryan : I don't understand, daddy
Father: Okay, see this glass of water that I'm drinking?
Ryan : yes
Father: Well, this water is okay for the baby.
Ryan : yes
Father: Here, touch the glass.
Ryan : yes
Father: See, it's nice and cool.
Ryan : yes
Father: Now if this was hot water that would be bad because hot water can burn the baby.
Ryan : hot water burn baby?
Father: Yes, hot water burn baby.
Ryan : hot water burn baby
Father: Yes, yes, hot water burn baby.
Ryan : hot water burn your baby
Father: Yes.
Ryan : baby can't go in swimming pool?
Father: Oh no, the swimming pool is okay. Swimming pool water is cool.
Ryan : yes
Father: That's alright.
Ryan : yes
Father: But the jacuzzi is bad because that water is hot and hot water will burn the baby.
Ryan : hot water burn the baby
Father: Yes.
Ryan : hot water burn the baby
Father: Yes. Now say you made a cup of tea, would you take that near the baby?
Ryan : yea, baby like tea
Father: No Ryan, uh, I don't think you get it yet.
Ryan : baby no like tea?
Father: Well, I'm sure the baby will like tea, but what do you make tea with?
Ryan : ...hot water
Father: Right, and what did we say about hot water?
Ryan : ...oh, hot water burn baby
Father: Yes, hot water burn baby!
Ryan : hot water burn baby!
Father: That's right so no tea near the baby.
Ryan : hot water burn baby
Father: Yes.
Ryan : baby no take bath?
Father: No, bath water is warm. Warm is okay.
Ryan : yes
Father: Hot is bad.
Ryan : yes...hot water burn baby
Father: Yes, hot water burn baby.
Ryan : hot water burn baby
Father: I think you're gettin' it!
Ryan : hot water burn baby
Father: That's right, Ryan.
Ryan : hot water burn baby
Father: NOW DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT!
Narrator: 30 year later!
Wife : Hey, Ryan, what are you doing out there?
Ryan : Just watchin' the discovery channel.
Wife : Well, dinner's gonna be ready in about five minutes.
Ryan : Aw, great baby, aight, I'll be in in a few momentos. Lemme just wind down...(garbled)
Wife : Okay, honey!
Ryan : Yeah.
TV : The villagers of Pasquan
Ryan : Pasquan
TV : have a very bizarre and painful way of welcoming their infants into the community.
Ryan : (garbled)
TV : Unfortunately, the death rate from this ritual is a mortifying 90 percent.
Ryan : My God.
TV : That explains the Pasquan's low population.
Ryan : Yeah, it does.
TV : On the first full moon of Autumn, all the Pasquanian mothers wrap their new-borns in traditional hand painted deerskin,...
Ryan : Deerskin.
TV : ...which have been passed along from generation to generation.
Ryan : That's nice.
TV : The entire Pasquan population then forms a circle on the sacred battlefield of Chin-Chara.
Ryan : ya-yara
TV : Each Pasquanian baby is then passed, hand to hand, around the circle...
Ryan : Wow.
TV : ...four times.
Ryan : Four times.
TV : Once for the sun,...
Ryan : Hmm.
TV : ...once for the moon,...
Ryan : The moon.
TV : ...once for the earth,...
Ryan : The earth.
TV : ...and once for the wind.
Ryan : The wind, too.
TV : When the babies arrive back in their mother's hands, they are marched, in procession, to the Pasquanian natural hot springs...
Ryan : What?
TV : ...where the ceremonial purification will be completed.
Ryan : What are you saying here?
TV : As we watch, the mothers take their progeny out of the deerskin shells...
Ryan : No.
TV : ...and dunk them into the steaming water.
Ryan : No! No! Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!
Father: That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby.
Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
Wife : Ryan! What's going on out there? Are you okay?
Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
Father: Hot water burn most definitely burn baby.
Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
Father: That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby!
Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
Father: You are a bitch, Ryan!
Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
Wife : Ryan, are you alright?
Father: Hot water burn the baby!
Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
Wife : Ryan!
Father: What are you gonna do, whore?
Wife : Ryan!
Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
Father: Bitch!
Wife : Ryan! What's going on out there?
Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
Father: Whore!
Wife : Who are you talking to?
Father: Bitch!
Ryan : I'm talking to the man!
Father: Whore!
Ryan : Hot water burn baby!
Wife : Ryan!
Father: Bitch! Ryan is a whore!