Forgive Myself

Written by: Amanda Victoria Eppolito

I’m blowing my nose into a t-shirt thats not mine
It probably belongs to that one night stand guy
And you’re thinking I should be ashamed to admit that
And I am. there's a lot to unpack

I’ve convinced myself that nothing matters
We’ll all die one day and float back up to Saturn
Forget this life like we do our dreams
Recall them in our next lives as deja vu memories

And somehow I'm still standing today
But I'm sick of standing in my own damn way

So I'm sorry
For freezing when I should have fought and
Drinking when I should’ve thought
About how to pick myself back up
I'm sorry
For thinking the world was on my side and
If I just leaped I could fly
That if i said no he wouldn’t try
Anything else
Oh anything else
But I think it’s time
Time to forgive myself

In the mirror, that's not my reflection
Everyone's noticed, but I keep pretending
That I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine
Chalk it up to resilience
A few more times

But now I'm 3 years out
And I cant keep pills or strangers, bottles from my mouth

So I'm sorry
For thinking these are my consequences
That I let this shit happen
Did I let this shit happen?
I’m sorry
For blaming myself for this loss for
Not fighting hard enough
And thinking he would’ve stopped if I
Did something else
If I did something else
But I just need to

I'm sitting here guilty of my body count
No one’s gonna want me used and broken now
why couldn't I fix myself?
well maybe that wasn’t my job.
And maybe this wasn’t my fault.

I'm sorry
That I was so fucking naive
Expected so much of me
When I was only eighteen
I'm sorry
I've done my best with this all
I've done my best with this song
Don't have anywhere left to fall
or anything else
I forgive myself
I can't have anything else
'til I forgive myself
I can't have anything else
'til I forgive myself
I forgive myself
I forgive myself