Garforth

Estate Agent : Garforth!
Is only ten miles away
But across the social divide
A gulf a thousand miles wide
Young Viv : Garforth!
If it's as good as they say
Then to Garforth we will go forth
Estate Agent : The Shangri-La of the North
Young Viv : Garforth!
We're going way upper-class
And if anyone doubts us
We'll show them our brass
Estate Agent : There's the new estate
Young Viv : We can hardly wait

All : We/You will be happy in Garforth
Young Viv : Where our money won't cause a buzz
All : We/You will be happy in Garforth
Young Viv : They've all got a woman who does
'Cos it's considered demeaning
To do your own cleaning
In Garforth
Keith : Garforth!
I can't believe this is real,
Ev'ryone's so terribly nice,
Their kids would never get lice.

Garforth!
Is what is known as genteel.
They're dead bleedin' posh when they talk,
They eat their cake with a fork.
Garforth!
Nobody works down the mine.
They're too busy all
Knocking back fancy French wine,
Eating, if you please
Pineapple with cheese.

Young Viv : Vol-au-vents!

Estate Agent : You will be happy in Garforth
Where a life can never be hard.
You will be happy in Garforth
Keith : The bog isn't in the backyard
Estate Agent : I should think not!
Instead the grass is a-growing
They never stop mowing,
In Garforth.

Estate Agent : Mr Nicholson, Mrs Nicholson.
Have a look at our show house,
Detached and enormous.
Through here, and now maybe you'd like a,
Peek at the kitchen;
The builders inform us
It's genuine, solid Formica

Is it to your liking, madam, sir?
Young Viv : We'll take it! All the furniture andthe bits and pieces, the lot. It's huge.
Keith : Viv! Look at size of that garden! You could fit ahundred head of cattle in it.
Young Viv : And I know what to call it.
Young Viv/Keith/Viv : Ponderosa!

Neighbours : Garforth!
Is like its own little niche,
I'm afraid their faces don't fit.
They're both as vulgar as shit.
Upstarts!
The pair are so nouveau riche;
Flashy, trashy, brash as they come,
They stick out like a sore thumb.
Standards
Are what we try to maintain.
If you let standards drop values go down the drain.
See the neighbourhood,
Buggered up for good.

Young Viv : I've got a house that is bigger than yours,
Buy all me gear at the fanciest stores;
That is the thing really sticks in your craws.
Well, if you don't like it then lump it.
I've got an au pair, a nanny, a maid.
Look at me sofa, Italian suede
I drive a Chevrolet, I made the grade,
So don't show your face or I'll thump it.
Neighbours : Strumpet!

Viv : We'll be unhappy in Garforth,
Where they're always cleaning their cars.
We'll be unhappy in Garforth,
You'd think we just landed from Mars.
When people turn up their noses,
It's no bed of roses
If they keep on making a fuss,
We'll be unhappy in Garforth.

Viv/Keith/Young Viv : And we will make damn sure that
Garforth
For certain
Behind its net curtain
Is bloody unhappy with us!