Rummy Rocker Boy

[Intro: Roach and "Crosby"]
Hello, are you Bing Crosby?
Oh son, unfortunately old dear Bingo he passed away some time ago. I'm just an incredibly charming simulation
Oh right! Hiding out like that Elvis fellow. Don't worry, Bingo, your secret's safe with me
Hmm, let me get the door now
Well, my name is Roach
Roach?
Perhaps you have heard of my band, Vomit?
No, I don't believe I have
Oh, do you like death metal music?
Oh certainly, it's marvelous. Some of that contemporary stuff is really, really fine. But tell me. Do you ever listen to any of us old fellows?
Oh you mean like Ozzy and Judas Priest and stuff?
Oh so you go back that far huh?
Oh yeah, yeah. I'm not as young as I look
Really?
I'll let you in on a little secret Bing. This ain't my real hair. It's a fake
Why that's marvelous! It's amazing what they do with those synthetics these days
And I got a whole closet of this young stuff at home. I got plugs and extensions, collagen implants. I've even got a red and green mistletoe codpiece that I wear on stage at Christmas time
How traditional! So I guess you and your boys you go in for all of the holiday stuff this time of year
Oh yeah, yeah. Big light shows, pyrotechnics, animal sacrifice
You too, huh? I love slicing up the turkey and stringing up the lights and throwing a Yule log on the fire. I tell you, that's how you get that holiday spirit
Say, Bing, speaking of spirits, have you got anything around here besides this orange juice?
Oh I catch your drift Sergeant. What say we march over here to the corner and rustle up a little holiday cheer for you?

Well step right over this way, son. We'll investigate the libations on tap, as it were
I believe I know the way, Bing
Are you ready?
I'm born ready
Allow me

[Verse 1: Roach and "Crosby"]
Come I'll pour you some rum pum pum pum
A drink with Bing will warm my tummy tum tum
You're gonna get a little portly
Excellent, Bing
Our finest crystal clinks pah rum pum pum pum, *clink* rum pum pum pum
Watch out for the rug

Oh never mind. The dog's already stained it anyway

[Verse 2: Roach and "Crosby"]
Now be careful son that is 151
Open the mouth over the gums
Don't drink so fast that would be dummy dumb dumb
Look out liver, here it comes
I've poured a fifth for him it's practically gone
Is that all you got?
It was the finest blend of virgin dark rum
Rum is all done, rum is all gone

[Skit]
Oh, that's a spot of bad news, Bing
Easy now, Chester, my boy. That's some pretty strong stuff. With no Minute Maid in there, this is high octane we're talking about

[Verse 2: Roach and "Crosby"]
Bartender a round on me
Now be careful son that is 151
Here's to you and cheers to me
Don't drink so fast that would be dummy dumb dumb
Keep the Bacardi flowing
I've poured a fifth for him it's practically gone
Right this way I need a refill
It was the finest blend of virgin dark rum
Hit me please, hit me glass again
Rum is all done
Peace on earth

[Skit]
Hey, how about a steaming hot cup of black coffee?
I've gotta pee
Now Chester, my boy, looks like you've already let the cat out of the bladder
Sorry
He gotta pee

[Outro]
Well the handy mop's over there in the closet. You think you can handle that? Thank you, very much. Hey, what was the name of that band of yours again?
*retching*
Oh! Oh, yeah, I remember
Sorry about your shoes