Master of the House

[DRINKERS/DINERS]
Come on, you old pest
Fetch a bottle of your best
What's the nectar of the day?

[THÉNARDIER]
Here, try this lot
Guaranteed to hit the spot
Or I'm not Thénardier

[DRINKERS/DINERS]
Gissa glass a' rum
Landlord, over here!

[THÉNARDIER (to himself, then out loud)]
Right away, you scum
Right away, m'sieur

[DRINKERS/DINERS]
God, this place has gone to hell
So you tell me every year

Mine host Thénardier
He was there so they say
At the field of Waterloo
Got there, it's true
When the fight was all through
But he knew just what to do
Crawling through the mud, so I've heard it said
Picking through the pockets of the English dead

He made a tidy score
From the spoils of war

[THÉNARDIER]
My band of soaks
My den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes
My always pissed-as-newts
My sons of whores
Spend their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors
And their money's good as yours

[DRINKERS/DINERS]
Ain't got a clue
What he put in this stew
Must have scraped it off the street

God, what a wine!
Château Neuf de Turpentine
Must have pressed it with his feet

Landlord, over here
Where's the bloody man?
One more for the road
One more slug o' gin
Just one more
Or my old man is gonna do me in

[THÉNARDIER (greeting a new customer)]
Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur

Glad to do a friend a favor, doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing, everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

[DRINKERS/DINERS/THÉNARDIER]
Master of the house, quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone

[THÉNARDIER]
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

[Thénardier greets another customer and takes his bag.]

Enter Monsieur, lay down your load
Unlace your boots, rest from the road
This weighs a ton, travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked
Till I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare, food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome, bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All those bits and pieces
Jesus, it's amazing how it grows

[DRINKERS/DINERS/THÉNARDIER]
Master of the house, quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got

[THÉNARDIER]
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus, what a sorry little lot

[MADAME THÉNARDIER]
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house? Isn't worth me spit!
'Comforter, philosopher,' and lifelong shit
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover, but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted
Living with this bastard in the house

[DRINKERS/DINERS/THÉNARDIER]
Master of the house

[MADAME THÉNARDIER]
Master and a half

[DRINKERS/DINERS/THÉNARDIER]
Comforter, philosopher

[MADAME THÉNARDIER]
Don't make me laugh!

[DRINKERS/DINERS/THÉNARDIER]
Servant to the poor, butler to the great

[MADAME THÉNARDIER]
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate

[DRINKERS/DINERS/THÉNARDIER]
Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse

[THÉNARDIER]
Everybody raise a glass

[MADAME THÉNARDIER]
Raise it up the master's ass

[ALL]
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house