If You Don't Want The Goods Don't Maul 'Em

Now here s a little motto song I'd like to sing to you,
Some of them are very old and some of them are new.
But here's one in particular it's funny in it's way,
I wonder what we'd think if we heard our ancestors say.

If you don't want the goods don't maul ' em don't maul em, don't maul 'em
If the saying old and true, you don't like it when it's said to you.
Are you going to marry my daughter sir? Said pa to Johnny Doleham
John said no so pa said go, if you don't want the goods, don't maul ' em.

Now we all learned our history when we were kids at school,
We went there almost every day to learn the golden rule.
King Solomon was a gay old boy, he was a lively spark
And this is what you might have heard while listening in the dark.
If you don't want the goods .... etc.

King Solomon had six hundred wives and he always used to call 'em,
' till one of them turned to him, and said if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em.
Now Smith went to a doctor once who lived in Harley street
He said my man those gallstones they will drag you off your feet,
Just come inside my hospital at once without delay.
He did and when they chloriformed him he was heard to say.
If you don't want the goods .... etc.

They were just about to operate on his appendix, what do you call 'em,
When he popped up his head and to the doctor said if you don't want the goods don't maul ' em.
Now once I took my holidays and went across to France, .
I hadn't been there since the war so thought I'd take a chance.
I strolled along a street that they call the Bous Boulogne ,
And when a French girl spoke to me I shouted out this song.
If you don't want the goods .... etc.
Now while I was in Paris I stayed in a what do you call 'em,
There were notices on every wall, if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em

Napoleon said I love my troops and whatever may befall 'em
When Josephine stood up and said if you don't want the goods don't maul 'em