Dialogue 9

[LULU, spoken]
Won't you please help us?

[BLINT, spoken]
With what?

[WALTER, spoken]
Oh, this weather, it's dreadful. It's on days like these that I'm glad that me dad's not alive to witness it. 

[BLINT, spoken]
If it's a matter of quelling the elements, I'm really the man to turn to. You could almost call it a hobby horse of mine. I think this tarpaulin should hold out most of the debris. My calculations show that the building will tend to fall outwards from the inside rather than vice versa. 

[LULU, spoken]
You have worked all this out?

[BLINT, spoken]
Oh yes! I've always been very meticulous about being prepared, ever sincе Rosie was taken. You remеmber my little discourse on the inverted pyramid?

[HAIG, spoken]
Oh yes, I was absolutely fascinated. About it being, er— Help!

[BLINT, spoken]
If we take this goldfish bowl to represent the world, and as a rough guideline assume that Mr. Pepperman's nose is a pyramid, we can see how my theory works out in practice. Put your nose in the bowl, Mr. Pepperman—

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Delighted, only too delighted—

[BLINT, spoken]
Now, If we take the air to be sand, and the water to be air, you'll notice that only the tip of the nose is theoretically visible. Whereas you can see there is a great deal more to Mr. Pepperman than his nose. 

[WALTER, spoken]
I never thought of it that way, it's uncanny. 

[BLINT, spoken]
And by rough calculation, just uh, shine the torch on his trousers here, would you? This area is the Gobi desert. 

[WALTER, spoken]
And your music does something to the weather because of seventeen?

[BLINT, spoken]
Well, that's not the totality of the concept, but you're getting warm. I must get some more nails. 

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Naturally!

[BLINT, spoken]
If you want to join me, you'd better jump. 

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Jump?

[HAIG, spoken]
Jump?

[WALTER, spoken]
Jump?

[LULU, spoken]
I don't understand. What is it he can do?

[WALTER, spoken]
I do not know, love. You can't bend muck. 

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
If we get out of this alive, I promise to give up smoking. 

[HAIG, spoken]
And I'll never drop another touch of drink. 

[More buildings collapse.]

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
I'll go first! I'll go first! Oof!

[BLINT, spoken]
Yes, Mr. Pepperman. Your body will form a nice soft cushion for the later fallers. 

[LULU, spoken]
Here I am coming

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Oof!

[LULU, spoken]
Pardon. 

[BLINT, spoken]
Yes, definitely black!

[WALTER, spoken]
After you, Mr Haig. There's, there's nothing in my manual about gliding indoors. 

[HAIG, spoken]
Give me a shove. There's a good chap. I've never been good at falling down. My whisky's broken!

[WALTER, spoken]
Well, I have just to improvise. Better take a run at it. 

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Don't just dangle there!

[WALTER, spoken]
I've got me wings caught on the edges. 

[BLINT, spoken]
Might I suggest raising your arms to a vertical position?

[WALTER, spoken]
Oh, my. 

[BLINT, spoken]
I can use your wings to reinforce my tarpaulin, which I'd better fix now. 

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
If it helps in any way, I am to blame for everything. Everything that has ever gone wrong in the world is my fault! I did the crucifixion personally, I bought the nails, I acted alone, there was no conspiracy, Hiroshima was my idea. I accept full responsibility, and I'm willing to atone for my sins in any way and put that in writing!

[BLINT, spoken]
Uh, shut up. 

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
If my shutting up is of any assistance, then I'm only too willing to do so. 

[BLINT, spoken]
I'll just see if all my papers are in order and bring my diary up to date. "Six minutes past eleven: diary brought up to date. Further destruction of remaining office buildings. Attic collapsing. Tarpaulin in place." As a G major, Mr. Stapleton, you handle the baton. 

[WALTER, spoken]
But I've never conducted anything. 

[BLINT, spoken]
All you have to do is to tap with authority and then wave. Can you read music, madame?

[LULU, spoken]
I have never studied. 

[BLINT, spoken]
Just turn the pages when I nod. And you Mr. Pepperman can lead the applause when the solo pianist enters. 

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
But you're here already. 

[BLINT, spoken]
You'll have to imagine me entering. Mr. Haig will do the commentary. 

[HAIG, spoken]
Will I? Oh yes, so I will. 

[BLINT, spoken]
Start tapping your baton, Mr Stapleton. 

[HAIG, spoken]
The lights dim, there is an expectant thrush in the audience as we wait for the entry of Mr. Blint. And here he comes now. The audience bursts into spontaneous applause. 

[PEPPERMAN, spoken]
Bravo, Mr. Blint, bravo!

[WALTER, spoken]
Ooh, do you look smart, Mr. Blint, in that lovely shirt. 

[LULU, spoken]
Vive Mr. Blint!

[HAIG, spoken]
Hip, hip hooray! He's seated now and almost ready to begin. 

[BLINT, spoken]
Lead me in with a count of seventeen, Mr. Stapleton, then wave your baton. 

[WALTER, spoken]
Yes, um, oh, eh—One, two, three, four—