Everyone's a Little Bit Racist

PRINCETON
Say, Kate, can I ask you a question?

KATE MONSTER
Sure!

PRINCETON
Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?

KATE MONSTER
Uh huh!

PRINCETON
Well, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're Kate Monster.

KATE MONSTER
Right.

PRINCETON
You're both Monsters.

KATE MONSTER
Yeah.

PRINCETON
Are you two related?

KATE MONSTER
What! Princeton I'm surprised at you! I find that racist!

PRINCETON
Oh, well, I'm sorry! I was just asking.

KATE MONSTER
Well, it's a touchy subject. Now, now all Monsters are related.
What are you trying to say, huh? --
That we all look the same to you? Huh, huh, huh?

PRINCETON
No, no, no, not at all. I'm sorry, I guess that was a little racist.

KATE MONSTER
I should say so. You should be much more careful when you're
Talking about the sensitive subject of race.

PRINCETON
Well, look who's talking!

KATE MONSTER
What do you mean?

PRINCETON
What about that special Monster School you told me about?

KATE MONSTER
What about it?

PRINCETON
Could someone like me go there?

KATE MONSTER
No, we don't want people like you --

PRINCETON
You see?!

(sung)
You're a little bit racist.
KATE MONSTER
Well, you're a little bit, too.

PRINCETON
I guess we're both a little bit racist.

KATE MONSTER
Admitting it is not an easy thing to do...

PRINCETON
But I guess it's true

KATE MONSTER
Between me and you, I think

BOTH
Everyone's a little bit
Racist, sometimes.
Doesn't mean we go around committing
Hate crimes.
Look around and
You will find,
No one's really
Color-blind.
Maybe it's a fact
We all should face.
Everyone makes
Judgments...
Based on race.

(spoken)
PRINCETON
Not big judgments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from --

KATE MONSTER
No!

PRINCETON
No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys
Should learn to speak goddamn English!

KATE MONSTER
Right!

(sung)
BOTH
Everyone's a little
Bit racist -- today,
So, everyone's a little
Big racist -- okay!
Ethnic jokes might
Be uncouth,
But you laugh because
They're based on truth.
Don't take them as
Personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them --
So relax!

(spoken)
PRINCETON
All right, stop me if you've heard this one.
There's a plane going down and there's only one parachute.
And there's a rabbi, a priest...

KATE MONSTER
... and a BLACK guy!

GARY COLEMAN
Whatchoo talkin' about Kate?

KATE MONSTER
Uh --

GARY COLEMAN
You were telling a BLACK joke!

PRINCETON
Well, sure, Gary, but lost of people tell black jokes...

GARY COLEMAN
I don't.

PRINCETON
Well, of course you don't -- you're black!
But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?

GARY COLEMAN
Well, sure I do. Those stupid Polacks!

PRINCETON
Don't you think that's a little racist?

GARY COLEMAN
Well, damn, I guess you're right.

(sung)
KATE MONSTER
You're a little bit racist.

GARY COLEMAN
Well, you're a little bit, too.

PRINCETON
We're all a little bit racist.

GARY COLEMAN
I think that I would have to agree with you.

PRINCETON & KATE MONSTER
We're glad you do.

GARY COLEMAN
It's sad, but true!
Everyone's a little bit racist -- all right!
Bigotry has never been exclusively white --

ALL
If we all could
Just admit
That we are racist
A little bit,
Even though we all
Know that it's wrong,
Maybe it would help
Us get along!

(spoken)
PRINCETON
Christ, do I feel good!

GARY COLEMAN
Now there was a fine upstanding black man!

PRINCETON
Who?

GARY COLEMAN
Jesus Christ!

KATE MONSTER
But Gary, Jesus was white!

GARY COLEMAN
No, Jesus was black.

KATE MONSTER
No, Jesus was white!

GARY COLEMAN
No, I'm pretty sure Jesus was black!

PRINCETON
Guys -- Jesus was Jewish!

BRIAN
Hey guys, what are you laughing about?

GARY COLEMAN
Racism!

BRIAN
Cool.

CHRISTMAS EVE
Brian! You come back here! You take out lecycuraburs!

PRINCETON
What's that mean?

BRIAN
Um. Recyclables.

(Everyone laughs)
Hey, don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak?
KATE MONSTER
Oh, come off it, Brian!

(sung)
Everyone's a little bit racist.
BRIAN
I'm not!

PRINCETON
Oh, no?

BRIAN
Nope! How many oriental wives have you got?

CHRISTMAS EVE
What? Brian!

PRINCETON
Brian, buddy,
Where you been?
The term is Asian-American!

CHRISTMAS EVE
I know you are
No intending to be,
But calling me
Oriental -- offensive to me!

(spoken)
BRIAN
I'm sorry honey, I love you.

CHRISTMAS EVE
And I love you.

BRIAN
But you're racist, too.

CHRISTMAS EVE
Yes, I know.

(sung)
The Jews have all
The money
And the whites have
All the power
And I'm always in
Taxi-cab with driver
Who no shower!

PRINCETON
Me too!

KATE MONSTER
Me too!

GARY COLEMAN
I can't even get a taxi!

ALL
Everyone's a little bit
Racist, it's true.
But everyone is just about
As racist as you!
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
And everyone
Stopped being so P.C.,
Maybe we could
Live in -- harmony!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Ev'lyone's a ritter bit lacist!