Violent Silence

I gave everything I had
I left it all on the table
With a stable faith in angels
Guiding me through these painful years of neglect
And hateful lacks of empathy
Sympathy, and lethargic tendencies
A mirage far from the hopes and visions I saw
When I was younger with aspirations and hunger
To provide a life better than mine at the time
To make something of myself
And share my wealth with people that love me
And want me to succeed
But instead completely ignore me
Everything I’ve accomplished and promised
The victories spent in misery and discontent
Drowning with no saving hand lent
But onward I went, focused and with intent
All of my energy spent on putting my family first
Disregarding my hurt with a concerted effort
I won’t let her tarnish my legacy
And one day I know you will see
The truth through my eyes
You might be surprised
From the lies and the abuse I’ve endured
But that time is not today
Judgement will come one way or another
But until then remember when you defend her
To not forget me and the nights
I would smile through the trials
And remain quiet while it killed me on the inside
It hurts my pride when you say I’m not right
You’re just a child, unaware of both sides
Beguiled by wild stories and fables
Unable to clarify where I’ve done harm
I’m unarmed, I’ll wait
I rest my case
To God I pray you don’t suffer what I have
And you keep an open mind
Just know that I tried
I gave everything I had

That little grin felt like a pen stabbed in my limb
Those furious eyes I saw
Through blurried up cries
On nights I despised
Manipulating my mind, I couldn’t find my voice
Only hoarse gasps of air not there
Crying myself to sleep
Trying to keep my sanity
Lying to family
“I’m living happily”
Only when he asks of me
To not make a scene but I need to be seen
I can’t take anymore violent silence
I need guidance (Here, hide this)
I’ve taken too many losses
(Save these boxes)
Years of fears and tears
So I could see your smile reach your ears
It was my purpose, the reason to stay
But today I’m stepping away
And I’m sorry for what this has done to you
I had no clue what to do but to fight through
I’m sorry I failed you, I can’t take the abuse
I have nothing left to lose
Just know that I love you
I did the best I could
And I know you see my side
And you understand this wasn’t my plan
I’m sorry, I’m so sorry

Torn in two for too long
Am I wrong searching for peace?
I want these moments to cease
A new lease on life
To leave the strife
And reap the prize
As death refuses to subside
A new fight every night
Bringing with it the guilt
To make everything right
And when I fail to provide
A healthy compromise
Tears fall from my eyes
Disappointed stares and glares
Do you even care?
Or are you consumed by your own
Greed and afflictions
To not even pay attention
As I struggle to mention
All of my difficult issues
From years of being used
I know you have your own worries
But does that mean mine aren’t worthy?
You’re more occupied
With the moving truck
Sitting in the drive
I’m still alive
Two weeks ago
Suicide and I were writing
A letter together we never finished
I wanted to end it
Now I’m writing “kitchen”
On the boxes you told me to keep
And you’re checking under lids
Reminding me what I don’t see
Continue to think I’m naive
Actions are louder than speech
Do you know where I’m supposed to be?
6 feet deep
While you stand above and weep
Tears that never fell when I was here
The smile you fought for isn’t reaching my ears
And I’m sure the damage to your pride
Is the most of your fears
But as you say
That day is not today

Rose-filled dreams and music intervened
The only ones always there it seems

Someday I’ll find the beauty
In the suffering and the pain
And be a better man for it
Someday...