Bad Laughs
CONAN: So Ice cube, Kevin Hart and I decided to go for a ride around Hollywood and we thought we’d do it using the new ride sharing app, Lyft
[Applause]
Yeah, how it works and, and we didn't warn anybody. Just got the app, I touched the app, the driver had no idea who he was picking up then once the driver picked us up we quickly put little tiny cameras throughout the car and went on a ride. And here’s what happened :
[Scene, Conan, Cube and Hart standing on a street corner]
CONAN: Alright right, now I’m gonna go on my little Lyft app we’re gonna get us a car and have some fun. [looking at phone]
Request lift. I see, Look at all those cars right near us
Cube: we need to go to the weed spot, immediately
Immediately!
CONAN: Ha, you have that look, Cube
[signaling to phone] This guy Anthony, I trust him. Look he’s got host cropped hair
[Calls Anthony] Hey Anthony, uh do you mind giving us a ride? I’m here with two pals
You think... oh, no time at all, ok, great. We’ll see you in a second Anthony
[a few minutes pass]
CUBE: Damn five minutes, five minutes ago
CONAN: Cube is this you [snapping], you want things to happen right now
CUBE: Like that man
HART: Look I’m not saying that I’m scared, cause I’m not, but this ain’t safe. We been on the corner for some time now and it looks like we’re selling ass
CUBE: I mean you-
HART: That’s the look, that’s the look we’re putting out
CUBE: That ain’t the look I wanna put out to the world
HART: Hey She’s gonna try to buy anyway. We're not selling any ass lady! Don’t come over here and try to buy any ass cause this ain’t where youre gonna find it! Cause We ain’t selling ass over here!
Anthony! Anthony!
CONAN: Yep, there he is
[Shot of car rolling up with a pink mustache on the front.]
CUBE: Hey, what's with the mustache, hommie?
CONAN: Do you mind if we take a ride right now? I’ve got Kenvin Hart, got Ice Cube Conan O'Brien right here. We take a little ride, we put some cameras in the car real fast, can we do that?
ANTHONY: Ok, sure
CONAN: He’s in!
HART: Hey man do you know where the good weed spot is, man?
CUBE: Do you know where that is?
ANTHONY: I, I might have a couple ideas of where to uh...
CUBE: Is this your own personal car?
ANTHONY: Yes, Cube, it is
CUBE: How do you feel about people getting in funky and just funking it up?
HART: You have people start fucking in here?
CONAN: Excuse me, excuse me, having sex?
ANTHONY: No, but they go into great detail about what it is they do sometimes
CONAN: Have you ever had to hose the car down, the interior of the car down afterwards?
ANTHONY: There was one time when one gentleman vomited in the car so I did have to...
CONAN: Who’s sitting in that seat?
ANTHONY: You are, sir
[Cube and Hart laugh]
CONAN: How did you know? How did you guys know?
HART: Hey man, have you ever been paid in sex?
ANTHONY: Uh, not to my knowledge, sir
CONAN: Would you take sex as a payment?
ANTHONY: Yeah, why not?
CONAN: Would you have... well, I’m proposing that to you
[Strange looks from Cube and Hart]
CONAN: I'm just saying: I’d save us as much as 30 dollars; you guys don’t even have to watch if you don’t want to
CUBE: Have you ever got robbed?
ANTHONY: Uh, no not yet
HART: Alright motha fucka give me yo!
CUBE and CONAN: Yo! Yo!
HART: You’d a thought wrong, jack!
CONAN: This is how we do it: we get cars to pick us up, we say it’s a comedy bit and then we take their money
CUBE: Stop by the store man, let’s let’s get a fotey or something
HART: Yeah, stop at the Seven 11
CONAN: Yeah you know what, I’ll go, I can get us some forties, you gotta teach me how to say it. I say forty; how do you say it?
CUBE and Hart: Fotey
HART: Fotey
CUBE: fotey
CONAN: Fotey
HART: I’m bout to stop in here and get this fotey you want me to grab you one
CUBE: Yeah man grab me a fotey
CONAN: Hey when you’re getting him a fotey could you get me a forty?
HART: It’s the same thing, just because you pronounce it doesn't make it a different drink
CONAN: Maybe it has fewer calories
HART: We want foties and I want some snacks: I want like a Chico Stick and some Starburts
CONAN: You want a Chico Stick, Starburts, we want some forties
HART: Get us some Swisher Sweets
CONAN: What's a swisher sweet?
Hart: It’s something that Cube knows about
HART: Just get it, just get it baby!
CONAN: I’m trying!
[Conan gets out of the car]
HART: Hey now that Conan’s out... you like white people or do you not?
[Conan comes back]
CONAN: Let me get this straight, I just gonna go in myself, we need three fouties, we need some Swisher Sweets, we need...
HART: We need Chico Sticks
CONAN: What, what’s a Chico Stick?
HART: Just ask for it Conan why you need to [expletives]
CUBE: Quit being so white!
HART: Hey, oh, and get us some lottery tickets
CONAN: Lottery tickets?
HART: Yeah Just in case, some scratchers
CONAN: You got a number you like?
HART: Ay Conan, just get the tickets!
[Conan Leaves]
HART: White people gotta be technical all the time! Hey, so look back, to what I was saying, Cube, how do you feel about Conan? For real?
CUBE: Conan is cool, man
BOTH: He’s cool, cool, cool white boy
HART: His jeans do be tight though
CUBE: His jeans is tight
HART: Look like Conan’s back pockets touching right now; I ain’t never seen nothing like it
[shot of Conan’s ass, walking in slow-mo]
[Conan's now standing outside the car]
RANDOM GIRL: Conan O'Brien!
CONAN: You guys cool with Nutella?
HART: Just give it to us, man
CONAN: And I also got us this: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
[Shows them movie case]
HART: I told you not to see that movie
CONAN: Tallboys. That’s all they had
HART: Tallboys
CUBE: Hey, wait a minute, where’s the brown paper bag man?
HART: Conan you don’t just get this shit without a brown paper bag
Cube: Where's the brown paper bag!
HART: You gotta put it in a brown paper bag man!
CUBE: Damn, I can’t drink this
CONAN: You didn’t say anything about a brown paper bag!
HART: We need a brown paper bag!
CONAN: You didn’t say anything about a brown paper bag!
CONAN: Normally in a car we’d be listening to some tunes, we can’t do that right now because anything that comes on the radio, we’d probably have to clear it and pay for it and we can’t do that
CUBE: We, fuck, this is the Conan O'brien show
CONAN: Look, all I’m doing is, I’m gonna lay down a beat and that’ll simulate us listening to some good tunes. you ok with this?
[Conan beat-boxes]
HART: Let’s just all a cappella, let’s just all a cappella, just do this without the beat
ANTHONY: Yeah that was not good, Conan
CONAN: Hey, Did you say that was not good?
ANTHONY: That was pretty terrible
HART: That was pretty bad, Conan
CONAN: Anthony, what I’ve known you fifteen, twenty minutes now, and this is the kind of support I get?
HART [Rapping]: Here’s the kinda support you get:
When you real at the end of the day
I kill
Look at by bag
Hold still
Real pushes a bill
Get em off of Kevin back em in the real deal
CUBE: Look, I won’t say no jokes if you won’t bust no rhymes
HART [Still Rhyming]: I’m in a car holding with my man O'Brien
He just looking in the back, he just lyin'
In the car, the mustache straight rolled up
Ride the beat Conan laying down and holed up
Cube...
[Shot of cops walking down the street]
CONAN: Hey, we got a cop right here, we gotta couple cops
HART: Put the beer down, put the beer down
CUBE: How you doing officer? it’s La PD
HART: You’re not supposed to be looking man, straight ahead Conan
CONAN: Straight ahead?
ANTHONY: Conan’s gonna get us arrested
CONAN: So what I did was bad? I was looking right at him
CUBE: You was staring right at him
ANTHONY: You're gonna get us all busted, man
CONAN: Hey, you know, you were on my side when we met Anthony and then, five minutes into this, suddenly you're with these guys and everything I do is stupid
ANTHONY: Yeah, uh, obviously
HART: Smart man: always take the black guy's side
Whenever in doubt, take the black route
CONAN: Really? I’ve never heard that one before
HART: It’s a true, that’s a true line
CONAN: How ‘bout: When you're not sure
The white freckled guys the cure
HART: Anthony, DO you know where the drugs are?
ANTHONY: You know, they might be at Runyon canyon actually, where all the hikers go
CUBE: Now were getting somewhere now were getting somewhere
HART: Listen, you don’t tell no one you saw us on this mission, we’re out here trying to buy some weed right now
[They pull up to a gate with girls around it]
HART: Anthony, you like any of these girls?
ANTHONY: Oh, I like em all
HART: Are any of you girls single!
RANDOM GIRL: I am!
HART: Anthony, this is when you ask for their number
ANTHONY: This is amazing
HART: This is Anthony. Anthony, put, put "huge penis" next to it, yeah that’s how she’s gonna know it’s you
HART: Show em you’re tits! Cube, Conan, turn around
CONAN: Alright, I’m not looking, but I’d like to peek
HART: Anthony don’t talk shit about them showing man
ANTHONY: What if my mom watches?
HART: Hey, It’s cable
CONAN: So how does this work, how do I pay for it when it’s over?
ANTHONY: It’s all done on the App
CONAN: Wait a minute this is my credit card
ANTHONY: Yeah
CONAN: So I’m getting stuck with the payment, the full payment
ANTHONY: Plus the tip
CONAN: I’d give you the tip if you had shown her the tip, but you didn’t do it
CONAN: You guys hungry? Do you want any food?
HART: what do you want?
CONAN: It's up to you guys you: whatever you want. You want Wendy’s?
CUBE: Yeah
CONAN: What do you guys get at Wendy’s?
HART: I get the spicy nuggets
CONAN: What do you get, cube?
CUBE: Uh, I'll probably get a Double
[pause]
CONAN: What’s wrong with you?
HART: A Double? Why can’t you just get a Single?
CUBE: Look, you get a little kids meal and I’ll get The Double
CONAN: How mad are you guys gonna be if I get the Toasted Flat Bread Asiago Ranch Chicken Club?
HART: That defeats the purpose of going to Wendy’s
CUBE: No
HART: Why we at Wendy’s then? Why we at Wendy’s?
[Later Scene]
ANTHONY: Oh my friend's calling
HART: Is it Matt?
ANTHONY: Yeah, it’s Matt
[Hart puts Matt on speaker]
ANTHONY: Matt, what's up, man?
MATT: Hey, what’s going on?
Hart: we got his ass locked down, that’s whats going on!
CUBE: You wanna see your friend again, you get here with a bag full of money, bitch
CONAN: We’re gonna put his head on a stick! a mohterfucking stick!
CUBE: Yeah, we got that pink mustache shit
HART: Hey man, You wanna see your boy and his legs again? Cause I’ll cut his shins off!
CONAN: We're gonna cut his head off, we're gonna cut his legs off and we're gonna put his head on the legs
Matt: Wow
HART: Yeah, you know what that means: that means that he’s gonna have to kick- talk
CUBE: What?
HART: Kick-talk, I don't know, I never got this far
CUBE: Alright lets get out
ANTHONY: I need to show you how much you owe me though
CUBE: Bout to run baby, let's go man!
HART: Grab the Wendy’s! grab the stuff!
CUBE: Shit!
HART: He’s on my ass! He’s on my ass!
Ha, we straight, we straight fucked em man!
CUBE: I gotta go back: I left my bag
[Back to talk show stage]
CONAN: They’re gonna call me, I know they are, any day now