The Commercial

Lately, I've seen red
I've tasted blood
I've killed with words
I've wished and hoped and
Swam through a river of snot
Twice as wide as the mighty Mississippi

But I wanna know
About the commercial I saw on TV
An Irish guy
Walking through a field of green
Whistling one of those Irish jigs
And a woman walks up and says
"Manly yes, but I like it too."

Then the guy pulls out a huge knife
And cuts off his first two fingers
And somehow catches them
In what's left of his left hand
And hands them to the woman
Did I mention they're both dressed in green?

Then they both sing this song together
"Are ya icky? Are ya sticky?
Are ya hot as anything?
Hey cut off two of your fingers
And stab yourself in the eye!"

Then he stabs himself in the eye
And hands her the knife
And she stabs herself in the eye
Okay? okay? so what about that?

Then they join arms
And do this Irish folk dance
While taking turns dismembering each other
This was a commercial for deodorant, I think
Or soap or something

So now all the body parts
Are lying in a heap
But the heads are still singing
"Are ya icky? Are ya sticky?
Are ya hot as anything?
Hey! get away from summer
And cut off all your limbs!"

Then all of the body parts
Start hopping and bopping around
Like little bunny rats
Then they jump into the mouths of the singing heads
But then they just slip right back out
Through the severed necks and keep bopping about

It's very beautiful music that's playing
There's an Irish flute
And a mandolin, I think
And the background singers sound
Just like the Clancy brothers

It's really a wonderful commercial
Spectacular
It must've cost a fortune to make

The kind of commercial you'd see
During the Super Bowl, maybe
Where the advertising time costs
A million dollars a half a minute
Wow, imagine that
A million dollars for a half a minute!

Anyway, by the end of it
It looks like the two of them
Have been through a juicer
Or a food processor
Or a blender or something
It's just a pink puree of blood, bone and flesh in a big bucket
But it's still singing somehow
"Are ya icky? Are ya sticky?
Are ya hot as anything?
Hey! Blend yourself, process yourself
Become a glass of animal juice!"

"Haven't you had enough
Of fruit juices and vegetable juices?
Next time company comes over
Offer them a cool refreshing glass of yourself!
Give of yourself
Stop being such a selfish piece of snot
Okay? Okay? Okay!"

"And now, back to our program."