Family in Sanford

We ended up coming back to my house in
Florida down there it was New Year's
Eve we all went over to Grandpa's house
Watch his balls drop and, uh and, uh
(laughs) That's comedy right there
I tell you that's that's
A funny there anyway

My grandma's a hypochondriac she
Thought she was
Getting lip cancer from secondhand chew
So, uh we was all over at
The house out there and, uh, we was looking
Through some scrapbooks and stuff i found out
That I was a C-section baby, and
I didn't know that and, uh, it
Was really cool found out, uh
Section C of a Waylon Jennings concert a
Long time ago it was real nice

I remеmber one time
I always likеd to hunt i always liked doing
That i got in trouble in Montana
I shot an elk and I was at the Elk's
Lodge, that was the problem there, but but
Uh

I got a bunch- I got three sisters my
One sister, big ol' sister and, uh
She's always a hypochondriac she
Always she's got cancer or tumors
Or whatever we was sitting on the couch the
Other day watching TV
She'd go like this all the time
'What the hell?' yeah
She'd dig in her hind
End like this it's irritating me i'm like
'What are you doing digging in
Your hind end?' She's like
'There's a tumor up there' 'You ain't
Got a tumor in your damn
Crack' She goes, 'Well
There's a hard lump up
In there look up in there
See if you see something up in-'
'I ain't looking in your ass
For a tumor on a Sunday, for God's sake go
To the doctor' She went to the doctor
Spent $340 you know what it was?
A Milk Dud you believe
That? She sat on it watching
Walker Texas Ranger forgot all
About it she goes, 'I better
Go to the doctor, get a complete
Physical' I go, 'You need to get
The couch cushions cleaned out
Is what you need to do!
Every time you sit down
You pull up dinner in your crack'

My other sister was there she's another
Big ol' girl my whole family's
Big, and we was at the mall
Shopping she's like 290 pounds
She's looking at wicker chairs
(laughs) She goes
'What do you think of that wicker chair?'
I go, 'I think if you sit in it
We're gonna have a lot of toothpicks around
The house next week that's that's what I
Think you don't need no wicker
Damn chair good Lord go sit on
A frontend loader or something
That'd be good for you'

But, you know what, I love her to
Death she's trying to lose weight though
And I know she
Is 'cause Domino's called yesterday
Worried about her they ain't
Heard from her in a couple of weeks
So they know there's something going on
Ol' Moley, my sister Ol' Moley
That you all know about
She, uh yeah, for those of
You who don't know, quick rundown: I had a
Sister named Ol' Moley
Then we called her Holy Moley 'cause she got
Saved, then she married a Mexican feller
Then we called her Guacamole
You know that story on her but she just had
A baby, and
Uh she was in labor for 38 hours you be-
I give up on a poop after
20 minutes, alright? 38 hours
And she had that baby
We go, 'We're gonna name that
Baby Roley Poley Moley
That's what we're gonna name
It!' She heard that, she laughed so hard
Milk shot out of her nipples
I tell you jesus she's a good girl!

My brother was over at the house
Too my brother's probably the biggest
Redneck in my family at his
House, teeth are considered 'bling'
Alright? But he's
Pathetic he's 38 years old, single and
Bowls every weekend he's like, 'Why don't
You come over and help me name
My bowling team?' I'm like
'Alright i got a name right now how about
The ICan't-Get-Laid-on-a Weekend-Either's?
How's that sound?' He
Ain't a good bowler either i went to
Watch him and I caught a ball

Yeah, I was up at the church the other
Day we was up at the church
My dad was a preacher so I'm pretty
Schooled at that my dad was good
He'd talk your ear off too my dad's
The only feller to make a Jehovah's
Witness go, 'Look, man, we got to be
Getting the hell out of here
' alright? It's ridiculous
(laughs) It's ridiculous