The Rules (Interlude)
Hear ye hear ye, good citizens of Dragulot
Honored guests and paying costumers
From this day forth, I shall be your town crier
Because Latrice Royale can literally cry no more
I hereby decree the ten rules to rule like Her Majesty the Queen Manila Luzon, the Great
Or at least, Manila Luzon, the Meh
Rule number one: wear a black and blonde streaked wig at all times
Even if people think your hair looks like that of Cruella de Vil
Even though she obviously has black and white hair, not black and blonde
Questionable hair line optional
Rule number two: to impress the masses, simply cross your eyes
Not to be confused with rolling your eyes, like what you do when Monét X-Change pulls out yet another sponge
Crossing your eyes burns fewer calories than doing anything that requires actual talent, such as dancing, or death dropping off platforms, or modeling
But cross not your eyes too much, for your face will stick that way forever
Well, at least that's what I was told by my dad, Trinity Taylor
Rule number three: be too damned beautiful for your own damned good or for the good of any persons within eyeshot of your exquisite, unmatched beauty
All while remaining humble, for humility makes your divine, unobtainable beauty even that much more beautiful
God! So beautiful!
Also, try not to be photographed from your bad side, unless you don't have a bad side like Her Majesty the Queen Manila Luzon, the Fucking Gorgeousness!
Which brings me to rule number four: be born that of half-Asian descent
Preferably Filipino
Rule number five: Look as flawless in real life as you do in retouched photos
Even though you know that deep down in your soul that you spent thirty to forty minutes FaceTuning your crusted face with your Dorito dusting finger
[?]
This is from The Rules to Rule by Naomi Smalls
Disregard that
Rule number six: buy my t-shirt and other merchandise at manilaluzon.com
All proceeds go to charity
And I have the paperwork right here to show that I have legally changed my name to Charity
All sales are final
Rule number seven: pay attention to the details, but remember to step back and try to see the bigger picture
Especially if it's a picture of Lady Bunny
Then step way, way back
Rule number eight: when my baby calls, jump, jump to it
[phone ringing]
Hold on, I've got to take this
Hey baby
Oh I didn't realize it was already four
Yeah, yeah I know that you said you'd call
But I'm in the middle of my album
Yeah—yeah okay, I—I gotta go now, really
I love you too
Sorry about that, now where was I?
Rule number nine: don't be afraid of looking stupid
Chances are, you are stupid
Just like Her Stupid Highness Manila Luzon
And no one likes a smart ass anyway
And lastly, rule number ten: always remember that life is just a game
That you will always lose, because you die
So play hard, have fun, and be inspired