Crocodile
And right now, it's time for athletics
And over to Brian Goebbels in Paris
Hello! Well, you join us here in Paris
Just a few minutes before
The start of today's
Big event: the final of the Mens'
Being Eaten By A Crocodile event i'm standing
Now by the crocodile pit where-
(crunching, screams, splashing)
-Oh, merde! (siren)
Ah well, I'm afraid we've
Lost Brian Goebbels
So while they they're sorting
It out, we have a report
From Barry Loathesome in Loughborough
On the British preparations for
This most important event
Here at Loughborough are five
Young men chosen last
Week to be eaten for Britain this summer
Obviously, the most important part
Of the event is
The opening sixty yard sprint
Towards the crocs
And 22-year-old Nottingham
Schoolteacher Gavin worolowe is rated
By some pundit's not only the fastest
But also the tastiest British
Morsel since Barry
Gordon got a bronze at Helsinki
In charge of the team is
Sergeant Major Harold Duke
(Now you not only gotta get
Into that pit first
You gotta get eaten first! When you land in
Front of your croc and he opens up
His mouth, i wanna see you right in
There! Rub your head up
Against his taste buds! And when those
Teeth bite into your flesh
Use the purchase to thrust
Yourself down his throat)
Duke's trained every British team since 1928
And it's his blend of gymnastic
Knowhow, reptilian expertise
And culinary skill that's turned many an
Unappetizing novice into a crocodilic banquet
(Well, our chefs have been
Experimenting for many years
To find a sauce most likely to
Tempt the crocodile in the
Past we've concentrated
On a fish based velouté sauce
But this year we're reverting
To a simple béarnaise)
The British team are worried
Because Olympic regulations allow
Only the competitor's heads to be sauced
(Yes, well, I mean ahem- you know
Four years ago
Everyone knew the Italians were
Coating the insides
Of their legs with bolognaise the
Russians were being marinated themselves
One of the germans, Biolek, was actually
Caught putting, uh
Remoulade down his shorts and the Finns
Were using tomato-flavoured running shoes i
Think it should either
Be unrestricted garnishing
Or a simple Olympic-standard mayonnaise)
Gavin, does it ever worry you
That you're actually going
To be chewed up by a bloody great crocodile?
(The only thing that worries me, Jim
Is being being the first
One down that gullet)
Well, the way things are
Going here at Loughborough
It looks as though Britain
Could easily pick up
A place in the first seven hundred
But nothing's predictable in this tough
Harsh, highly competitive world
Where today's champion
Is tomorrow's crocodile shit and back
To you, in the studio, norman!