Martyrdom of St. Victor

And it came to pass that St victor was
Taken from this place to another place
Where he was lain upon pillows of
Silk and made to rest
Himself among sheets of muslin
And velvet and there
Strokèd was he by maidens
Of the Orient for sixteen days and
Nights strokèd they him, yea verily
And caressèd him
His hair rufflèd they and their fingers
Rubbèd they in oil of olives
And runnèd them across all parts of
His body for as much as
To soothe him and the soles
Of his feet lickèd they
And the upper parts of his
Thigh did they anoint
With a balm of forbidden trees and with the
Teeth of their mouths nibblèd
They the pointy bit's
At the top of his ears yea, verily
And did their tongues thereof make themselves
Acquainted with his most secret places

For fifteen days and nights did
Victor withstand these maidens
But on the sixteenth day, he cried out
Saying:
"This is fantastic! Oh, this is terrific!"

And the Lord did hear the
Cry of Victor and verily, came he down
And slew the maidens, and caused their
Cotton-wool buds to blow away
And their Kleenex to be laid waste utterly
And Victor, in his anguish
Cried out that the Lord was a rotten bastard
And the Lord sent an angel to
Comfort Victor for the weekend
And entered they together the jacuzzi

Here endeth the lesson