I Never Do Anything Twice
When I was young and simple
I don't recall the date
I met a handsome captain of the guard
He visited my chambers one evening rather late
In tandem with a husky Saint Bernard
At first I was astonished
And tears came to my eyes
But, later when I asked him to resume
He said, to my surprise
My dear, it isn't wise
Where love is concerned one must freshen the bloom
Once, yes, once for a lark
Twice, though, loses the spark
One must never deny it
But after you try it you vary the diet
Said my handsome young guard
Yes, I know, but it's hard
But no matter how nice
I never do anything twice
La la da da de-ah da dum
I think about the baron
Who came at my command
And proffered me a riding crop and chains
The evening that we shared
Was meticulously planned
He took the most extraordinary pains
He trembled with excitement
His cheeks were quite aglow
And afterword he cried to me, encore!
He pleaded with me so to have another go
I murmured carressingly, whatever for?
Once, yes, once for a lark
Twice, though, loses the spark
Once, yes, once is delicious
But twice would be vicious
Or just repetitious Someone's bound to be scarred
Yes, I know that it's hard
But, no matter the price
I never do anything twice
La la la la la la la la la la
And then there was the abbot
Who worshipped at my feet
Who dressed me in a wimple and in veils
He made a proposition which
I found rather sweet
And handed me a hammer and some nails
In time we lay contented
And he began again
By fingering the beads around our waists
I whispered to him then
We'll have to say amen
For I had developed more catholic tastes
Once, yes, once for a lark
Twice, though, loses the spark
As I said to the abbot
I'll get in the habit, but not in the habit
You've my highest regard
And I know that it's hard
Still, no matter the price
I'd never do anything twice
Once, yes, once can be nice
Love requires some spice
If you've something in view
Or something to do, totally new
I'll be there in a trice
But I never do anything twice
Except . . . No
I never do anything twice