The Ballad of Cactus Pete and Lefty
This is the ballad of Cactus Pete
He spent his life out in the desert heat
In Arizona and New Mexico
Searchin' for the motherlode
He had no friends, he had no family
Just a pet sidewinder that he called Lefty
They shared a run-down minin' shack
Out with the coyotes and horny toads
Hehehe, yeah just look at I'm all coiled up o'er there
I'll never forget the first time I saw 'im
He's just a-sneakin' up on a little toady frog
Settle down, settle down, ain't no toady frogs, I'm just tellin' 'bout you sneakin' up on one
He loves them little toady frogs
Lord, I couldn't live like 'at
You shoulda seen him when I first found him
He had real bad teeth
Yeah, just had two little bicuspids there in front, lord what a gap
Made Leon Sphinx look like Burt Lancaster
Took him to the orthodondist
Yeah, we tried braces, that didn't last too long
Heck, I got tired of mashin' up them little toady frogs for 'im
So we just had 'em capped
Yeah, he'd have to have 'em filled anyway, they both had big cavities in 'em
Oh, but just look at that smile on 'im over 'ere now, though
Cactus Pete, Cactus Pete
With his pet sidewinder at his feet
Strangest old codger you ever wanna meet
This is the ballad of Lefty and Cactus Pete
Hehehe, yeah me 'n old Lefty, we ain't got much
I'm poorer 'n a church mouse
Settle down, settle down, ain't no church mouse
I'm just tellin' 'bout a church mouse
Hehe, he loves a fuzzy little church mouse
Lord, I couldn't live like 'at
He's a cold-natured critter
Yeah, I cut the toe out of an old sock one time, made him a little sweater
Didn't work, though, he just kept crawlin' out of it
He ain't hardly got no shoulders at all, you know
But lord what a neck
Got more neck than Audrey Hepburn
Cactus Pete, Cactus Pete
With his pet sidewinder at his feet
Out there 'mongst the cacti and mesquite
This is the ballad of Lefty and Cactus Pete
Hehehe, yeah nearly lost ol' Lefty one time, though
He 's out sunnin' himself on that big rock o'er there
Yeah, he'd just gorged down two blue-bellied lizards and a heelee monster
Settle down, settle down, ain't no heelee monster, I'm jus' talkin' 'bout a heelee monster
Like I said, he 's on that rock o'er there
And a big ol' bal' headed eagle just swooped down, snatched 'im up
Wen' flappin' off with him through the cactus
Ol' Lefty, he just squirmed around, looked up at that eagle
Flashed him that big ol' pearly-toothed smile...
That eagle dropped him like a hot potato, hehehe
Thought he was a lawyer
Cactus Pete, Cactus Pete
With his pet sidewinder at his feet
The saga of the West wouldn't be complete
Without the ballad of Cactus Pete
And Lefty
Calm down there, boy, they wasn't gonna forget ya