The Camping Trip

Last summer I thought for a little diversion
I'd take my family on a camping excursion
We were tired of vacations with air conditioned rooms and such
(Swimming pools, room service)

I thought two weeks way back in the woods
Would do us all a whole world of good
Especially the kids, they don't appreciate nature much
(Rather watch a TV, eat a Twinkie)

Well, my wife wasn't sure but I said "Look here, Honey
We'll have a lot of fun and save a lot of money."
Now right there's where I made my first mistake friends
(I figured a tent, a few cans of beans, marshmallows, what could it cost?)

But with the sleeping bags, and the hiking shoes
And all the other paraphernalia that you use
It came to $6,947.22
(But like the man said, you can use it all again)

Well, we packed the new Land Rover with the maximum load
And drove till we run plum out of road
And then backpacked six hours straight up a steep incline
(Briars and brambles and cockleburrs)

Then we saw the perfect site
There were trees on the left and a creek on the right
Of a clearing to pitch the tent, just what we had in mind
(Eat your heart out, Field & Stream)

Now pitching the tent took four hours or so
And by then the sun was sinking low
And the kids were whining and crying for something to eat
(Then my wife said "Where's the restroom?"
I told her and she grinned and says "Yeah, now where is it really?")

So we broke out the soda crackers and sardines
The Vienna sausages and the pork and beans
And sat around the fire to enjoy a well earned treat
(Mmm good, none of that citified junk food for us)
(Kinda reminds me of wild hickory nuts!)

Let's all go camping, you'll never have it so good
It's great getting back to Nature, out here in the woods
Amongst the birds and the bees, and the flowers and the trees where the animals are our friends
Once you get hooked on camping, you'll never like the city again

Well, we just weren't ready for what happened then
When sparks from the campfire carried by the wind
Set a pile of leaves and two $89.95 sleeping bags aflame
(Little Elmer was going for the marshmallows, thought it was part of the deal)

It spread from the bags and the leaves to the trees
Raging out of control and fanned by the breeze
I thought all was lost and then thank God it started to rain
(I don't mean showers, friends, we're talking bare 'em up Noah one whole time)

Well the fire was out, and we huddled in the tent
Whoa slapped out from the day's events
Floating on our air mattresses in mud, ankle deep
(Where upon my wife says, "I really need to know now where is the restroom?")

When it finally stopped raining it was cold and late
But those mysterious noises kept us awake
And we all knew we'd be mauled or axe murdered in our sleep
(At this point I knew the ghost stories earlier had been a bad idea)

I was dozing off, just about to dream
About a Holiday Inn, when a blood curdling scream
Announced the presence of something in the tent covered with hair
(That's when I said, "Leap up there, son, and light the Coleman
I think there's something in here with us.")

We lit the lantern and there he was
A little beady eyed fuzzy, looking at us
And we chased him out of the tent and ran head on into a bear
(He'd just finished off the groceries and was frothing at the mouth
We ain't talking no Gentle Ben here friends)

He reared back on his haunches and he let out a growl
And we all turned white and let out a howl
And went tearing through the woods in hysterics without a flashlight or a lamp
(It's amazing what adrenaline will do, I mean I was a track star in High School
But my chubby little wife just flatfooted past me with a child under each arm
Like I was taking a Sunday stroll
Yelling "Never mind the restroom!")

Well, somehow we all made it to the car
And I had to crank it with a quick hot wire
Cause I'd left the keys in my backpack, back at the camp
(Along with my shoes, wallet, my Rolex, $6,947.22 worth of camping equipment)

We went flying down that dark and muddy trail
Slipping and a-sliding like a bat outta hell
Till we drove through a stream that we'd crossed on our way in
(Lord knows how we missed all those trees at 90 miles per hour - sideways)

Now the rain made it deeper than it was before
The water started pouring in around the doors
We had to swim for the shore, never saw that Land Rover again
(Just floated off, last I saw was the taillights going over the falls
State Farm's ain't never gonna believe this)

Well, we finally stumbled into civilization
Called a friend of mine from a Texaco station
And he drove out to pick us up and take us all on home
(Wet, cold, tired and talking to ourselves)

They say take only pictures and leave only footprints
Well, we left 8 sleeping bags, 2 Trailmaster tents
A Coleman stove, $400 worth of groceries
A Land Rover, a Rolex and every stitch of clothing my wife ever owned
(Oh yeah, had to take it all with us, mink coat, makeup, electric curling iron
"You never know what you might need", she said)

Let's all go camping, you'll never have it so good
It's great getting back to Nature, out here in the woods
Amongst the birds and the bees, and the flowers and the trees where the animals are our friends
Once you get hooked on camping, you'll never like the city again