Hospital

You know something I found out? When you’re on fire and running down the street… people will get out of your way. Except for one old drunk. He’s going. “Can I get a light? How about it? Just a little oft the sleeve. Okay?” You can tell you fucked up when you get to the hospital and the doctor go… “Holy shit! Why don’t we get some cole slaw and serve this up?” I was laying in the hospital with tubes and shit up my nose… an I.V. In my arm… and a brother come in wanting an autograph. I mean. Steam and shit was still comin’ off me. Brother come in. “Hey, Rich. Hey. Hom. Can I get this autograph? Come on. Let me have this last autograph.” And Jim was in the hospital every day when I was getting well. He’d be there every day. Fire don’t mean shit to Jim. Fire jumped on Jim once. He said, “Hey!” Jim would be there giving me strength. I say. “Jim ain’t never been hurt. So I can’t show no pain. I gotta show my strength. Try to get well.” I was doing real well. ‘Cause nature is wonderful. When you burn up. Your skin goes to sleep… ’cause nature says, “I can’t deal with it”… and just goes to sleep. You don’t feel shit for about three days, till your nerves wake up. I didn’t know that. I figured. “I ain’t feelin’ nothin’. Everything’s fine.” And at the hospital, doctors and shit, they’re really great. But there was a brother who worked as a nurse… They’re unique people work with burnt people… ’cause I don’t know it I could work with no motherfucker burnt up. You know what I mean? Put some butter on him and say. “That’s it.” Go for what you know. Homes. But these motherfuckers… This Larry Murphy used to come in. “We’re gonna wash you down. And you’re gonna feel great. We’re gonna wash ya.” He kept saying it. “We’re gonna put you in the tub and wash you.” “You’re gonna wash me. When are you gonna wash me?” “We’re gonna wash you in a couple of days. We’re gonna get you better.” “Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah. Wash me, will you please?” I should’ve known something was wrong… ’cause this motherfucker come every day with this. “Don’t worry. We’re gonna put you in the tub… and it’s gonna be all right.” I said, “I’m not worried. Motherfucker. Put my ass in the tub. You know. Wash me. Shit.” “Come on. Don’t worry.” Third day. “Are you all right? Today we’re gonna put you in…” “Yeah. Larry. You’re gonna wash my ass in the tub. Okay? Goddamn.” Then they take you in the room and get you in the tub… with solutions. And you sit in the tub and say… “Yeah. Motherfucker. Tub. Right. Gonna wash. I know.” – They say, “Feel this? It’s a sponge.” – I say. “It’s a sponge, motherfucker. So? Wash my ass.” “All right. Put your arms up. ’cause…” “Wash me, motherfucker.” “Now it’s time to wash you. Ready?” I said. “Yeah.” Motherfucker said… “Don’t. Don’t wash me no more. Not even my little finger. No! No, you will not. Don’t you wash a motherfuckin’ thing. I don’t want you to touch my finger. I don’t want you to do a goddamn thing to me. Don’t wash me no motherfuckin’ more. And if you do, I’ll bite you. You motherfucker. Don’t you wash me anymore. I don’t care if I die. Don’t you wash me no more.” But they were wonderful. Man. Pain sure stops racism quick. Wasn’t no color in there except burnt-up motherfuckers. And we all got religious. You find God quick when they find your ass dead. I was watching TV one night, and they said I had died. I was bandaged up, and they said… “Richard Pryor died five minutes ago.” But I thank God every day. Jack. I do. I say, “God. Thank you for not burning my dick.” ‘Cause most people said. “You’ve been punished by God.” I say, “No. If God wanted to punish my ass… He’d have burnt my dick.” Now. That’s some punishment… ’cause when that tire hit my ass. My dick went to work. He said, “Emergency! Piss. Come! Do something! Keep the fire off the balls!” And my chest was hollering. “Help!” The dick said… “Fuck you! Go tor yourself! I’m protecting the balls! Spit!” You got a light? A match? Can I have a match? Thank you. Don’t do it! Watch out. Listen. Y’all… have been wonderful to come and share this with us… and I thank everyone connected with… It’s been a pleasure tor me to do this and get up here… and I thank you very much. I want to say y’all gave me a lot of love when I was not feeling well… and I appreciate it. Also, y’all did some… Yeah. Applaud yourself. Also. Y’all did some nasty-ass jokes on my ass too. Yeah. Y’all didn’t think I saw some of these motherfuckers. Since you love me so much. I remember this one. What’s that? Richard Pryor running down the street