The Return of Albert

You've eard ow young Albert Ramsbottom
At the zoo up at Blackpool one year
With a stick with an orse's ead andle
Gave a lion a poke in the ear?
The name of the lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made im wild
And before you could say ""Bob's yer uncle""
E'd upped and e'd swallowed the child.
E were sorry the moment e done it
With children e'd always been chums,
And besides, e'd no teeth in his muzzle,
And e couldn't chew Albert on't gums.
E could feel the lad movin' inside im
As e lay on is bed of dried ferns
And it might ave been little lad's birthday-
E wished im such appy returns.
But Albert kept kickin' and fightin'-
And Wallace got up, feelin' bad.
Decided 'twere time that e started
To stage a comeback for the lad.
Then puttin' ead down in one corner,
On is front paws e started to walk
And e coughed, and e sneezed, and e gargled
Till Albert shot out - like a cork!
Now Wallace felt better directly
And is figure once more became lean.
But the only difference with Albert
Was, is face and is ands were quite clean.
Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
Ad gone back to their tea, feelin' blue.
Ma said, ""I feel down in the mouth, like.""
Pa said, ""Aye, I bet Albert does, too.""
Said Mother, ""It just goes to show yer
That the future is never revealed
If I'd thowt we was goin' to lose im,
I'd ave not ad is boots soled and eeled.""
""Let's look on the bright side,"" said Father,
""Wot can't be elped must be endured
Each cloud as a silvery lining,
And we did ave young Albert insured.""
A knock on the door came that moment
As Father these kind words did speak.
Twas the man from Prudential - e'd come for
Their tuppence per person per week.
When Father saw oo ad been knockin',
E laughed, and e kept laughin so -
The man said ""Ere, wot's there to laugh at?""
Pa said ""You'll laugh and all when you know!""
""Excuse im for laughing,"" said Mother,
""But really, things appen so strange -
Our Albert's been et by a lion
You've got to pay us for a change!""
Said the young man from the Prudential:
""Now, come, come, let's understand this-
You don't mean to say that you've lost im?""
Pa said ""Oh, no, we know where e is!""
When the young man ad eard all the details,
A purse from is pocket he drew
And e paid them with interest and bonus
The sum of nine pounds, four and two.
Pa ad scarce got is and on the money
When a face at the window they see-
And Mother cried ""Eee, look, it's Albert!""
And Father said ""Aye, it would be.""
Albert came in all excited,
And started is story to give
And Pa said ""I'll never trust lions
Again, not as long as I live.""
The young man from the Prudential
To pick up the money began
But Father said ""ere, wait a moment,
Don't be in a urry, young man.""
Then giving young Albert a shilling,
E said ""Ere, pop off back to the zoo
Get your stick with the orse's ead andle-
Go and see wot the tigers can do!""