​park it

[Verse 1]
Theodore Duende's the perfect captain
Solid fundamentals and a great friend
We need more sluggers like him and Allison Abbott
We need less people like Mike Townsend
We’ve got Luis Acevedo
The best Vocaloid in the league
But I’ll get to that later
We’ve got Gwiff now and Gwiff never wiffs
I think he’s at least half owl
It’s unclear
But we’ve got Luis Acevedo
The only Vocaloid who can thwack
When they’re at bat, they bellow

[Chorus]
This next run's for Hotdogfingers
A victim of eldritch circumstance
If she lived to see our new pitcher
This next ground out's for Mike Townsend
We’re gonna win in spite of you
If we don’t win
Well, that’s totally okay
'Cause you know we’re gonna
Pa-pa-pa-pa-park it

[Verse 2]
Theodore Duende's got the formula
That’s why they call blaseball "the sweet science"
He just walks up to the plate and says
“Soundgarden is pretty good, but
They’re far from the best band out of Seattle
Have you heard of this band, Weep Wave?
I’ll make you a mixtape after this”
Then he hits a grand slam

[Chorus]
This next run's for Hotdogfingers
A victim of eldritch circumstance
If she lived to see our new pitcher
This next ground out's for Mike Townsend
We’re gonna win in spite of you
Out of the way, it’s Duendesday season
I know we’re anti-capitalist
But Tiana Cash didn’t have to die
She was literally made of money
Though I’m sure that it informed her politics so
Pa-pa-pa-pa-park it

[Instrumental]

[Chorus]
This next run's for Hotdogfingers
A victim of eldritch circumstance
If she lived to see our new pitcher
This next ground out's for Mike Townsend
We’re gonna win in spite of you
Out of the way, it’s duendesday season
I know we’re anti-capitalist
But Tiana Cash didn’t have to die
She was literally made of money
Though I’m sure that it informed her politics so
Pa-pa-pa-pa-park it

[Spoken Outro: Mike Townsend]
(Continuous, discordant "park it!"s in the background)
Hi, is this thing on?
Okay, my name is Mike Townsend, and I’m the current pitcher for the Seattle Garages
The previous pitcher, Jaylen Hotdogfingers, was, uh, incinerated. She was the first one killed after the Forbidden Book was opened, and I remember just sitting there with Tiana when it happened, and at first I couldn’t figure out exactly what had occurred, but after I realized she was gone for good I was like, "Huh! That’s blaseball for ya," you know? Like, I forget who said it, but someone said blaseball is a game of inches, and if she was standing just three inches to the right of the mound, I’m sure she would’ve been fine
But, you know, anyways, shortly after that, Duende said “Oh, I can’t believe you’re our pitcher now,” and I said “What? I’m the new pitcher?” And he said “Yeah, I really can’t believe it,” to which I said, “Oh, jeez, thanks! How cool is this!”
But, as you probably know, I’m not really as good as Hotdogfingers was, you know? I think the hot dogs let her throw the ball to more than one place without missing the strike zone, and she was even able to pitch it at different speeds, you know? I don’t have hot dogs for fingers, so I can’t do stuff like that
Anyways, so, I'm the pitcher now regardless, and I didn’t realize how much pressure it would be, you know? Like, every time I throw a walk off, the fans are like “TOWNSEND!” And sometimes when someone hits a home run on the other team, the fans will yell “TOWNSEND!!” And sometimes when I pitch a bad game, the fans will write a song called something like, “Mike Townsend Is A Disappointment,” and it will become the new anthem of our team, and it’ll play non stop on KGAR... you know how it is with blaseball fans
Anyways, I know I’m lucky to be the pitcher for such a great team, and I love my teammates but... I wish I was really good, you know? Like, Hotdogfingers good. Like, I could pitch a no-no against the Hellmouth Sunbeams good. But I’m not, you know? I’m not Jaylen Hotdogfingers, I’m not the best blaseball pitcher in the league. I’m just kinda a goofball that the team likes to turn into a running gag
But we’ve won some games, you know? And it’s not like we won those games WITHOUT me. And, you know, I’m not incinerated. At least, you know, not yet. I just want to be this big, bright, shiny star, and whenever I step out on the field I don’t want them to say “TOWNSEND!” Or “TOWNSEND!” I want them to say “TOWNSEND!” You know? Like “TOWN! SEND!”. Ah... it’s so hard, man. Anyways, can I start over? Okay. Hi, my name is Mike Townsend, and I’m the pitcher for the Seattle Garages