Wordless Broken

There's nothing left for me in this world that I don’t know
This room is all I have, I don't even trust my home
These feelings are so one dimensional it seems
The only place that I feel free is in my dreams

I'll die at 20, I don’t wanna live too long
These strings are all I had, and you know that they're long gone
I'll buy myself some string, but it's not for my guitar
I'll hang up on the tree with my all so broken heart

I know that you wanna see me flourish in my
Breathing body, but I've become malnourished and I
Swore to god and I swore to you that these thoughts I have would not come true
But I lied to god and I lied to you because this life that I have lived is through

[Disgraced to think how past experiences can manipulate me into thinking that all is lost, I'm 17 and I feel like I'm 97 laying on my deathbed]

[All my life I've been told that, uh, if nothing changes, I can just kill myself at 20 to spare my, uh, self from the downward spiral of getting older. Would I be able to handle the pressures brought onto me by society? Would I meet the standards society set for me in order to be a functioning human being? Would I meet the requirements to be a loving spouse? Or am I just going to live my life all all worried about the future?]

[As I get closer and closer to 20 years old, I get more and more anxious that nothing is going to work out. If you told me when I was 15 that I was going to see Christmas two years from then, I'd call you absolutely insane. I keep telling myself I just need to give it another year. Things will be different if I just give it another year, and that's not a good way to live. As a matter of fact, that's a horrendous way to live and I'm wasting my prime years. I'll never be able to be 16 again, and when I'm 18 I'll never be able to be 17 again.]

[I wasted my entirety of 2017 and 2018 trying to get over my absolutely horrendous ex-boyfriend that I was only with for half a year. I wasted nearly two years trying to get over someone who only took up a blink of my life. I'm so angry at myself for that, and I'm so angry at myself for letting my life interfere for what, where I'll exactly be in a year from now. I'm so angry at myself for not taking advantage of the amazing opportunities I have.]

[The fuck?]