Nozick Needs a Theory

[Robert Nozick - spoken]
How would you like to save the world? And by the world, I mean the Harvard philosophy department. The dean thinks philosophy's going nowhere, and he wants to cut our funding! I need you to be my junior office assistant...
While I work on a new idea, the next big thing! We need - I need - a theory
[sung]
I need a theory
A theory of justice
Something to strengthen the claim of liberty
To make sure a small state will just leave us free!
[spoken]
Jimminy Cricket I've got it!
Individuals have rights, and there are things no one may do to them without violating those rights. Everything else follows: a minimal state, limited to protecting us from force and theft. Anything more would violate our rights, and that is unjustified!

[John Rawls]
Wait a second, Robert. Does that mean you wouldn't tax multi-billionaires to feed starving orphans?

[Nozick]
If it's your money, you can do what you want with it. Maybe those starving orphans should just get a job!

[Rawls]
But if the state can't help the most vulnerable, maybe you should tell me where these rights come from

[Nozick]
Rights are things that people just have. You're overthinking it. I'm off, Jackie-boy, I'll see you at my Nobel Prize ceremony. Muahaha!

[Rawls - sung]
No
No
Nozick!
I'm looking for justice
Justice requires fair opportunity
Your vision is morally arbitrary

Under your theory
Your theory of justice
The state will abandon the poor and the weak
The future will look so increasingly bleak
[spoken]
I've got to write my theory before Nozick, but that's gonna take inspiration. If only I could speak to the great philosophers of old