my lows,
Yesterday
All my trouble seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
I believe in yesterday
Waking up I check my phone right now it's one PM
I slept through the morning and missed my appointment again
My bones are achy I can barely get out of my bed
Rather than brushing my teeth I just look at Twitter instead
45 minutes go by I ain't left my room
Feel like I'm just wasting my time and watching YouTube
People yell at me from all sides saying what to do
It's get a job or go outside that's the only route
Man I can't even see my friends no mo'
Cause they all left so when I need a hand I'm just solo
Drifting apart not how we used to be in old photos
Now they making group chats without me cause lately I'm no show
Finally get out of my room and head down the stairs
Thinking how the past couple weeks been going nowhere
Sit at the TV planning a day of more binging
But first I need some breakfast typically two oranges
I'm eating breakfast at three
Wondering why I can't do something and what's happening to me
No motivation to make it so now I'm not on the mic
Which got me stressing is this what depression really feels like
Feel like I need to get out
But at the same time my brain tells me that I can't leave the house
I usually know but nowadays I don't know what life's about
I check my phone and realize I spent the whole day on the couch, damn
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Making my life shorter
Belong in a psych ward or
Something of that type horror
What I describe the past few months
Before then I had never even done therapy once
Now it's daily
I do my CBT and continue how it's been lately
But I stop dead in my tracks and rub both nails all in a circular motion
The notion being if I don't something'll happen that crazy
Will it
Bro I don't know maybe
God why is this how you made me
Have I not been through enough lately
The worst episode I had was this year March tenth
The signs were there but I was never diagnosed till then
They told me write down every ritual until day's end
Started the day I didn't know if I had the strength
At first I didn't think too much
But I went through the whole day not letting my fingers touch
Thought that if I did it on one hand I'd do it on the other
In the same specific way and if I didn't I'd be smothered
With a big wave of anxiety so I'd have to stop
Do the ritual exactly right that's how my brain thought
Then I'd have to write it down to keep track of what I'd done
At the end I think the total sum was 551
Had like 50 different rituals I did in the day
My girlfriend even took me out to eat at my favorite place
And I enjoyed the time we spent and it was such a nice gesture
But that day I don't think anything would've made me feel better
I got home stared at my Yale shirt for 10 minutes
With anxiety thinking why I'm different
The entire day I'd been waiting to go to sleep
Cause sleep was the only time that I could feel at peace
I said
Rewind