Perks of the Job

[Intro]
This one's going out to anyone who's in a job, ladies and gentlemen
That's all of us

[Verse 1]
If you're lucky enough these days to be employed
There's lots of ways the company gets you annoyed
They change your hours and your shifts, you get so downhearted
You've not had a pay rise since you started
If you don't like it, the firm'll give you the sack
But did you know, there's a way you can get your own back?
Your dignity's been robbed, but nobody cares
So what you've got fer' do is steal something of theirs

[Chorus]
It's called the perks of the job
I'm at work and I'm on the rob
I'm gonna take whatever I can fit in my pocket
To make me feel better and they just can't stop it
I'll be stuck in this job 'til I reach my old age
Wouldn't do it if they paid me a decent wage
Until they do, I'm gonna go to town
And help myself to anything that's not nailed down

(Drawing pins, them little rubbers that've got a hard end and a soft end)

[Verse 2]
Revenge against the company, it tastes delicious
But don't take too much too soon, or they're goin' get suspicious
Stuff that people won't miss, or there'll be tears
I've not bought paper for me printer for about three years
Don't be cocky and put a laptop up your sleeve
Just a little bit of something, every time you leave
An envelope a day - that'll never be missed
There's more stationery in our house than in WHSmiths

[Chorus]
It's called the perks of the job
I'm at work and I'm on the rob
I'm gonna take whatever I can fit in my pocket
To make me feel better and they just can't stop it
I'll be stuck in this job 'til I reach my old age
Wouldn't do it if they paid me a decent wage
Until they do, I'm gonna go to town
And help myself to anything that's not nailed down

[Bridge]
If the thought of stealing sends you out of your mind
There's others ways of getting your benefits in kind
Use the work phone, call your mate in Timbuktu
Or a hour on your Facebook page'll do
Now here's a top tip from me workmate Shirley
An excuse to give your boss, if you- you wanna leave early
You've gotta go 'cause your kid's developed a terrible cough
Either that, or say your shed roof's been blown off

[Chorus]
It's called the perks of the job
I'm at work and I'm on the rob (Come on now)
I'm gonna take whatever I can fit in my pocket (Sing it wi' uncle Bernard, 'ere we go)
To make me feel better and they just can't stop it
I'll be stuck in this job 'til I reach my old age (Wave your arms)
Wouldn't do it if they paid me a decent wage (Side to side, go-on, wave your arms)
Until they do, I'm gonna go to town (Not like drummer from Def Leppard, he just looked odd)
And help myself to anything that's not nailed down

It's called the perks of the job
I'm at work and I'm on the rob
I'm gonna take whatever I can fit in my pocket
To make me feel better and they just can't stop it
I'll be stuck in this job 'til I reach my old age
Wouldn't do it if they paid me a decent wage
Until they do, I'm gonna go to town
And help myself to anything that's not nailed down

[Outro]
Now, ladies and gentlemen
If you do get caught stealing from your workplace
Let me tell you, the Lancashire Hotpots do not actually condone theft
Be it office-based, or, you know, major bank theft
We- we don't condone that
And uh, let me tell you, you will go to prison
That's right
D'you know why?
'Cause you're a nobody
I mean, we like you, 'cause you've bought the record
Unless you've downloaded it illegally, in which case we dislike you
And that is theft as well
Just listen to Released Without Charge again, alreet?

Little post-it notes, right?
Turn one 'round, you can stick 'em on your fridge at home
Ideal for leaving handy notes for a loved one
Y'know. Not- not "I love you", like "get milk"
"You need fer' get bog roll"