Housefire

Imma be honest

If I double u
It’s a pathway from apathy
But if I double me
I’d just be
A cartoon version of this perversion
Diversion into depression
Staring at a mirrored impression
Box us into a sparring session

Taking jabs back and forth
Until one of us can’t take anymore
Or maybe I’d let you knock me to the floor
Then I can feel what’s it’s like to snore
I wish I could dream more
But I only dream awake
Wondering if I’ll make it out of this lake
Thinking

You can drown in a sea of loneliness
But real friendships keep you afloat
So where are mine?
Most of my closest feel so far away it’s asinine
When my pain scales at a 9
I’m gonna die if I don’t make it

I need this black dog to have a new owner for a while, please take it
It needs a walk, it’s overfed
Its domesticated
Grown accustomed to masticating so much
It’ll start to chew on me
We’ll just both end up dead

You think I’m someone you know?
Formed an opinion because you’ve known me for a few years, seen me at some shows
You’re just standing on the other side of the window
Only seeing what I show when I hide behind the pane

This ain’t sham pain
But I’d rather pop the champagne and a smile
Laugh for a while until the clouds roll in
Hang over my head
So I’ll just lay here in bed
Even if it’s a waste of my while
I know I could get up and walk out, but what happens if I just sit in this housefire

Imma be honest

Insomnia
Didn’t have a bed for 2 years ‘cause life don’t like to spare dollars
Nowhere to lie, bipolar spares no sense, no cents in my wallet
I don’t drink red but I drink myself into it often
I spend money like I ain’t gonna be here mañana

See that line is a gamble between arrival and departure
Success and death, each day gets harder
To distinguish if I’m gonna make a move to improve my situation or sabotage, the heart can
Only take so much, that’s why I fuck with the farmers

See if I was you in a drought I’d be a goner
You’re stronger, because I drink when I know it’s wrong to
Spend money when I ain’t got it
Wish I could sleep

Insomnia:
I Never Sleep. On Meds. Nervous Inner Affliction.
I Never Sleep. Off Meds. Nervous Inner Affliction.
I.N.S.O.M.N.I.A.
Good morning

It never cease
Contempt
Impervious, inner confliction
It plays to keep
Often
A service, my contradiction
High, very steep
My steady feet
Rocked, head
Worsens, soul constriction
I never sleep
Off meds (on meds)
Nervous inner affliction

Insomnia
Like a rollercoaster I can’t get off of
As time goes on the loops only get harder
But I just filled my tub and threw in a hairdryer
Locked the doors, hope the smoke gets me first before the flames in this housefire

Imma be honest

Born to kids who didn’t really want a kid
My grandmother did
She had 12 but still had time to swim
And save me, the lifeguard when I entered the gene pool
I’m sorry to you the most that I fucked up school

I know you want me to be happy
Have a family
I want that too
If I have a daughter her middle name is gonna be you
Yours was Edith, but imma name her middle your first, Lorraine
The sky was searing hot, but the day you died it rained

So hard I almost drowned all over again
Pain, but my lifeguard don’t work here, life’s changed
I’ve never been religious, but I know whatever heaven is you’re still the same
Edith saves

The only woman who took me from the ground to raise me higher
Elevated above your dressing gown, now we at eyesight
You’d look me in the eyes, periphery got blinded
Hugs like a drug, now all I wanna do is get higher

I can’t replace it though, nothing ever will after our last goodbye
Hard to know whether to stay here or expire
Especially when I ain’t religious, like, after death, what transpires?
Contemplating what to do next, alone in this housefire